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Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Utah's Folly: Palling Around In A Ludicrous "State" Of Mandated Sobriety… Another Annual "Abstinence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder" Rant

I should just get over it… you know, let it slide like so much 3.2 beer off a duck's back (quack!). But to let stupidity slide without mention is tantamount to endorsement. So here's my "inquiring mind" question to Utah's Mormon Rockwell School of Leadership: What in the freaking Joseph Smith's dry corner of Hell is the point of opening a Brewpub in the ultra-conservative lunatic fringe Beehave state of Utah?

We knew to load up on quality alcoholic "contraband" before crossing the Colorado state line into Utah. It was a hard learned lesson a few years back when, after a long day of biking on sunburned sandstone slick-rock, we showered up and headed off to Moab's famous, but oh so unimaginatively named, Moab Brewery for a two-pint buzz. 15 minutes later, glasses drained:
"You feel anything"
"No. You?"

We had a long conversation with the ruggedly handsome owner-lady behind the bar. She schooled us in the fine, but convoluted, arts concerning "Degrees of Sin" permitted in Mormonville. I will recap the highlights for those who are as yet unaware of why they can't cop a beer-buzz in any of Utah's brewery establishments:
  • Breweries are allowed to brew beer, but if it is to be served "on-tap" over-the-counter it must be less than 4% alcohol. However… and this is the insane part, 
  • Breweries can serve wine, mixed drinks, and bottled beer with no such alcohol restrictions.
Uh, does that sound inane to anyone but me? Like, you can get drunk Buddy Boy, just not on quality, on-tap, hand-crafted, cold, frosty-mugged beer.  

So this time around I notice on the menu's beer listing that Moab Brewery has circumvented the Morality Morons. They now bottle their full strength beer with skyrocket alcohol levels. Not as good and refreshing as on-tap, mind you, but a loophole way around the "God Sqawd." 

Great, cause I want to get my buzz on with the Rv Gang… raise a little pre-retirement/funeral home ruckus before it's too late.  

Our Drill Sergeant waitress comes around for drink orders and starts with me. I find one of their 8% IPA's and order it in the 22 ounce can. 
"Were out of that."
Ok, so I find a Stout that pushes 8% and order one of those.
"Were out of that… in fact, were sold out of all of our bottled and canned beer."
"So all you have is the 3.2% on-tap near-beer shit?"
"Yes, unless you want a domestic beer."
"Sheeze Louise, you're killing me here. Ok, I'll have a Corona."
"No… Bud, Bud Light, Coors, or Coors Light." 
"Ok, screw the party. Give me a pint of one of your three point two IPA piss-water's."

Just like Casey at the bat, There is no joy in Moab, Mighty Marky has struck out."

What Moab Brewery lacked in alcohol was almost made up for in serving size… 

Left to right: Doggy bag Debbie, Ate the hole thang Suzanne, Stomach aches Bobbie, Hole thang Hans, Gotta pee Lisa, Svelte De Gayle, and the always Dapper In-Tell-i-Gent Jim.


  1. Such are the results when one combines superstition, myth and legislation.


  2. Other stupid Utah Laws: You can"t order a double shot mixed drink, but you can order a double shot mixed drink with two different kinds of whiskey ( JD and CC) for instance. You can only order a pitcher of beer every half hour for 2 people or every 15 min for 4 people.You have to order food with your drink in a resturant. You have to finish your drink before another one can be brougt to you. You can only have one drink per person on the table. You have to have a drivers license to order even if you are 96! People in Utah do drink just not in public. LOL I understand your rant.

  3. Geez...Mark. Holy cow! I wonder whether you can get served coffee. I know Mormons who refused to drink coffee but served it in their B+B. Utah sure has a strange leadership. But we love the landscapes in your State.

  4. My gawd you crack me up!

    It's a shame that the state with most AMAZING landscapes has to be so backasswards. I'd consider living here if they weren't living in the dark ages.

  5. Thank the good lord of brewing for the traditional British pub.

    1. Yes… I would have gladly settled for a tepid, full strength draw from one of your pubs :)

  6. Sure doesn't make sense! I was able to buy my favorite beer Polygamy Porter at the brewery in Park City full strength in cans or bottles but not anywhere else. I don't ge the states rational. If it is available in one place why not everywhere! Crazy!

    Looks like a great time even without buzzing beer:) And hike in the area is a special day.

  7. Hope someone in the group had the fish tacos...wish we had been there!

  8. Thank goodness the countryside is gorgeous because the beer situation sucks.

  9. Degrees of Sin????....Geez where would I end???
    But thanks for the heads-up..I'll bring my own Flat Tyre and Obsidian Stout......If I can ever make it there.


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